Rewriting the Adoption Story: Embracing Complexity and Truth.

When I first became a mother through adoption, I dreamed of creating a home where meaningful conversations flourished; a space where the complexity, beauty, and realness of our daughters’ journey could be embraced. Discussing adoption openly, with honesty and authenticity, was central to my approach. I wanted our daughters, now 8 and 10, to grow up knowing that their story is one filled with nuance, love, and depth.

However, as time goes on, I began to notice something concerning. Our daughters are exposed to media portrayals of adoption (through books, movies, TV shows, and videos) that frequently oversimplify the experience in ways that don’t resonate with our reality. These portrayals often present adoption in a simplistic, idealized light, leaving little room for the complexities that adoptive families like ours experience daily.

Our bright-eyed and open-hearted girls would watch videos that tell stories of children who were "saved" from terrible situations and instantly found their happily-ever-after in a "perfect" family. Or there would be depictions of parents who, after struggling with infertility, quickly got a child in a process that seemed as easy as picking out a kitten from the shelter. In these portrayals, the real struggles, the challenges of bonding, the grief, the loss, and the complexities of identity are either glossed over or completely ignored. This is a narrative I can not relate to, and certainly not one I want our daughters to internalize.

Adoption is rarely a neatly wrapped package of joy and gratitude. It’s often messy, uncertain, and filled with complex emotions. It’s a journey that involves not only deep love but also the need for understanding, healing, and ongoing growth. But in the media, adoption is frequently framed as a black-and-white issue. Children are either orphans in need of a home, or parents are portrayed as desperate individuals who cannot have biological children and thus seek out adoption as an act of last resort. The true emotional depth, grief, loss, confusion, and the long road to building relationships is often sacrificed for a narrative of instant gratification.

In contrast, modern adoption has shifted away from these outdated clichés. Today, there is a growing movement toward greater openness and communication. Many adoptive families now focus on building an environment of honesty, where children are informed about their adoption as early as possible. This is crucial, as it helps children understand their story and fosters self-acceptance. Far from being a taboo topic, adoption is now seen as something to be discussed openly and with care, starting at a young age.

Even the process of adoption has changed. While there are still children in need of loving homes, the process is much more thoughtful and intentional than it was in the past. Families today undergo rigorous assessments, education, and training to understand the needs of adopted children and how best to support them. Adoption isn’t an easy fix—it’s a lifelong journey that requires patience, understanding, and empathy.

So, how do we change the narrative in society and in the media?

We need to push them to

1- Start by telling the real, messy, beautiful story of adoption,

2- Stop simplifying it into a one-size-fits-all tale and begin sharing the diversity of experiences within the adoptive community,

3- Tell stories that acknowledge the pain, the joy, the complexity, and the triumphs of adoption, just as we do with any other aspect of family life.

4- And most importantly, we need to empower adopted children to share their own stories, on their own terms, without shame or stigma.

Fast forward to not so long ago, after yet another frustrating portrayal of adoption in one of their favourite moralistic videos, I overheard my daughters correcting the TV: “You can’t say that!” “You can’t just walk in and pick a child to adopt!” “Wow, they really haven’t thought this through!” 

Frustrated and upset, they came to me and boldly said, “Do something, Mom! Write something to change how people see adoption.”

So, I did!

Stay tuned!