"Do they know they were adopted?" Why and How We Talked to Our Children About Their Adoption Story

"Do they know they were adopted?” is a question that has been whispered to us so many times I couldn’t even count, and for a very long time, it irritated me. It annoyed me beyond words that people would feel the need to ask such an intrusive question, often in front of our children, especially when the answer seemed so obvious, at least to us, their parents. But over time, it led me to consider the roots of their curiosity and nosiness: the unspoken assumptions they were making about our story were deeply rooted in mainstream misconceptions surrounding adoption, that adoption is something that should be kept a secret or worse, treated as taboo.

How sad that the 2020s adoption is still such a mysterious concept to most people!

Let me say it loud and clear: YES, THEY KNOW! They have always known!

During our first pre-adoption training, we understood how crucial it was to create an open, honest, and supportive environment for children to understand their story. Adoption is not something that should ever be hidden from children, nor should it be believed to be a topic shrouded in mystery. 

From the day our first child was placed with us, we started to talk to her about her story, as well as ours. We did the same when our second daughter joined us.

Why? Because we believe in the power of honesty, openness, and empowerment. Talking early and openly about adoption is a key part of building our children’s identity. We wanted them to feel confident in their story from a very young age. 

How We Talked to Our Children About Their Closed Adoption?

We kept it simple and direct. From the moment they arrived, we showed them pictures of themselves from birth, of their first homes, and of the day we met them. We even saved a spot for the photo we would take when the adoption was finalized. These photos were a way to help them connect with their past, see their adoption story as part of their own, and feel welcomed into our family.

We didn’t wait for them to be able to talk to start explaining things. We gave them the language and information they needed right away. As they got older, they began asking questions, and we always made sure to answer with honesty and care. By giving them the right and accurate words to talk about adoption, their birth family, and their history, we helped them build a healthy sense of identity and pride in their story.

Adoption is a complex experience, and we know our children’s understanding of it will grow and evolve as they do. What matters most is that they always feel safe asking questions, knowing they’ll get truthful answers. Our goal is for them to feel empowered with the knowledge they need to embrace their story and navigate the world with confidence and no shame.

The Result: Emotionally Equipped and Ready to Talk

Now, at 8 and 10 years old, our children are linguistically and emotionally equipped to discuss their story. They freely talk about their birth family and their feelings. For them, adoption is not a topic that feels distant or foreign; it’s just part of their reality, something they can reflect on and talk about with comfort and confidence.

Watching them talk about their adoption so openly has been amazing. It’s strengthened their sense of self and given them a deep sense of security and pride. They know they are loved, they know where they came from, and they’re growing into emotionally healthy, confident, and curious individuals.

Talking about adoption has been key to helping our children feel grounded in their identity and emotionally strong. By being open from the start, we’ve given them the confidence to embrace their story and navigate the world with love and pride. As they grow, we’ll always be there to answer their questions with honesty and support.